The Night After X-Mas

Twas the night after x-mas, post-consumerist boom,
Not a synapse was stirring, and this makes me fume.

Debt was amassed as gadgets were bought,
And the fury of installation would soon be wrought,

Upon our humble narrator, he fixes all things,
Like the stupidity of all the world’s ding a lings.

Like little Suzy’s iPOD, it played no new jazz,
For she had not read the manual, what a stupid little spaz.

She lamented and cried, and let loose a shriek,
Without my new iPod, I can’t be unique!

She dashed to her phone, and my digits she dialed,
As I answered the phone, my fury ran wild.

Tech support I answered, how can I help you this day?
You fix my iPod mister, I demand things my way!

You fix my new toy, or I’ll cancel my service,
I could tell from her voice she was a bit nervous.

I let out a sigh, and I said, do you suppose,
You forgot the power cable – it needs one of those?

Silence I heard, and then a slight scuffle,
Then bad music, some ghetto-rap shuffle.

You fixed my iPod! I love you to death!
You are so welcome! “Fucking idiot,” under my breath.

I hung up the phone, but it rang much, much more,
and from all this, there is one thing I adore.

Self sufficient people, and instruction manual readers,
To me, they alone should be allowed to be breeders.

So if you have ever called my number, which I suppose is your right,
Eat shit, goto hell, and I hope you die this very night!


My dear friend Lauren needs a bio for her upcoming stint at BSides Nashville. Here is my attempt to commit greatness such as her own, into mere mortal words.

Her Ladyship Baroness Lauren Abrielle Cherlene Griddlebone McHackingston ne Bonaparte I, Esquire. With an ancestry to match her impressive moniker, Lauren was born to Marie Curie and Napoleon Bonaparte during the former’s brief tenure as a theoretical temporal scientist. Raised by a cadre of unicorns and LISP programmers, Lauren grew into one of the world’s foremost experts in the fields of fluffy pink pastel fashion, doom enhanced information security, and equestrian para-genetics.

A member of many esteemed societies, Lauren holds many titles. The Almighty Church of Wifi has proclaimed her The Most Fabulous Unholy Unicorn Empress. She is an honorary member of The Esteemed Order of Awesomeness, Second Class. She is also a a 774th Degree Dark Paladin of the Fabled Unicerate Equestrian UNIX Order. During the mid 1990s, Lauren briefly performed with famous rockers AC/DC, while bassist Cliff Williams was recovering from a bout of hysterical pregnancy.

Lauren is best known for her ongoing work to breed a race of cybernetically enhanced, hacker unicorns. One day, we can all expect this harbinger of infosec doom to rule over hackerkind with her legion of Metasploit enhanced, cyber pink ponies. I, for one, say that day cannot arrive soon enough. Hail Pink Unicorns!

My Adoring Public Has Spoken

The Twitter poll garnered a bit more than the 30 or so votes I was expecting.

Apparently, people want Infosec now now now. I also had a few requests for specific subjects, most relating to my extensive time working in the ISP world, as well as one suggestion that I rant aimlessly with little to no editorial process behind it. I can do these! I appreciate all the input, and votes. Thanks Twitter peeps!